| Grr |
[31 Aug 2005|10:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Ruby Tuesday by The Rolling Stones |
] |
What's wrong with everyone? I swear this was supposed to make things better, and it all makes sense, and if they'd stop being short sighted about everything it would all be good!! Completely! Everything could be fine. That's all I wanted, why does nothing ever work out? Maybe they just need more convincing or something. *sigh*
I have been giving them some space, to think things over. I don't know what else they want from me, really. I'm lonely and upset, though will be starting work again soon. that'll be okay. I'll have something to fill my days with at least.
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| The Result of Ultimatums |
[24 Aug 2005|09:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blank |
] |
It was a long, confused, drawn out process. I had to channel and rechannel so many different things that I've been up for what feels like days, getting it all set. My saving grace was Astra, who didn't ask too many questions.
Anya was right. No matter how I spun it, it was a black spell and I'm a white witch. Wouldn't do to kill myself. That wouldn't help anything. I just need the change. So I went about getting it. I got everything I needed. I got it from the Magic Box, even though Anya looked pained to sell me anything. I didn't like that look on her face. Felt like I was doing something wrong. I don't know how to explain it better to her though...if it felt like I had time to, I would have. But every day I wake up and work on this, and every night I can't sleep so I work on it more. I have to fix it. I really, really have to fix it. So I will.
( All it'll take is the right magickal elements and a few words. )
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| What I Will Do |
[21 Aug 2005|03:19am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Rain When I Die by Alice In Chains |
] |
I've figured out what to do.
They both put it on me. Both told me they'd be gone if I screwed this up, if I couldn't...get over it.
So I'll get over it. The problem isn't them, it's me.
I have to get over it, and I will. I'll just find a spell to do that. Make me okay with it all. First stop? The Magic Box. There'll be something there to help. Something to make me all better. Make me be what I have to be for it to be okay. Because me beign me isn't going to help. Me being me is just going to ruin everything, and I can't let that happen.
I'll change me.
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| Quiet |
[19 Aug 2005|07:44am] |
| [ |
mood |
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crushed |
] |
I cleaned up the mess. I still have jagged edges of broken glass instead of windows. I've put up blankets and sheets over the holes. I don't have the energy to go about getting them fixed. Or the money. They'll just have to stay broken. I don't have the know how to fix my walls. I'd have to ask Stefan. But that would mean talking to him, and I don't know what to say. I didn't do so well talking to Jordan. I did, and I hugged him, but I can't remember if I told him I loved him or not. I still do. I'm just...lost. I don't know what's going on anymore. I don't know how to start dealing with this. If I don't know how to start, how can I ever finish?
I wish someone had asked me. I wish I could have got word to gran. Tell her that she could keep it. Life. And Goddess that sounds awful, but it would have been easier than this. She was in love. And poor Billy...they should have had a chance, right? As it is I've lived longer than gran got to, and I think she's a better person than me. She didn't have the curse anymore. I haven't checked to see if I do, but checking would mean I'd die, and that would be pretty insulting to the sacrifice she made, wouldn't it. That they all made. I know people got used to her. I know people didn't want her to go. Best of both worlds, not to be had.
I'm sorry everyone.
I just don't know how to do this anymore.
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| ... |
[20 Jul 2005|02:22am] |
| [ |
mood |
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crushed |
] |
So...I found out that when everything was crashing down around my ears, something else happened that I didn't know about before. That I wasn't told. As I understand it...my boyfriend...and my bestfriend, both slept with Heather. Sounded like they did that together. Seemed like it to me seeing as they both knew what was said after Jordan said it.
I've been wandering randomly since. I don't want to go to my house. I don't want to go to Jordan's house, I don't want to go anywhere. It's like there's waves of pain then nothing. Numbness. I don't know what to do, and currently I can't do anything anyways. Maybe I should just...stay here. Would it be so bad? Would it be better than going back and dealing with them?
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| hmm. |
[12 Jul 2005|06:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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worried |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Remedy by The Black Crowes |
] |
I've made a decision. Being dead is sort of dull. I'm not even the kind of girl that needs a lot of excitement in my life. In fact, the less exciting the better. But at least in my sort of dull life, I can hang out with people, read, listen to music, watch movies....and here I can't. I can just watch the living doing those things. Gran's been leaving the stereo on for me though. She said so when she left it on when she went to sleep one night. That was nice of her.
I'm worried about Stefan. He's sorta...I mean he's taking it hard. I saw he wrote me a letter. I wished I could have given him a big hug. He's trying though, so I give him a lot of credit for that. He's been trying to help Gran out, even though I think their personalities sort of clash. Not that that seems to be stopping them from spending time together, which is strange but good. I'd rather that then them hating each other. I wonder if Stefan knows that Gran always found him really attractive? Who knows.
Jordan has been sort of...quiet, I guess. I think he's okay. But it's hard to judge. When he talks about it he seems okay. Like he's just waiting for me to get back, like I'm on vacation. Which I guess is a good way to look at it. Better than having a total breakdown or anything. (not sure he'd have one, but this is better either way.)
There's one other thing. Billy. Gran's friend. He can see me and talk to me, I got to have a chat with him from this side of the mortal coil the other day. He's a nice boy. I like him, and he seems to be quite concerned with Gran's wellbeing. But...um...maybe a little too much? When I walked in and they were in the living room...it really felt like I was...er...interupting, and that is probably Not Good. I mean...I know they were friends before and hung out and seemed to have a very good relationship, but...um...she's dead. She's been dead for years. Three quarters of a century. Sure, on some level it's incredibly romantic and tragic and all that, but it's the 'tragic' part of that that gets me. What would happen if they did...er...with the...(this is disturbing to think about) and then everything switched back? Where would that leave them? That'd be downright horrible. And he's really young. Like still in high school young. Not graduating for another two years young. I mean I know she died young too, but that's not the point...That's really not something you want to do to someone that young, right? I'd talk to her about it but that'd prove difficult, being the only one I can talk to is Billy and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like to hear what I've got to say. Maybe it's just me being able to see the situation from the outside that's giving me insight. Though it's had to have occured to them, right? Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I totally read everything wrong and there isn't anything up. I can hope, or things might get real messy. :(
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| eep |
[01 Jul 2005|01:38am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Shelf Life by Seven Mary Three |
] |
I..um...seem to be dead. Or a spirit at any rate. I didn't actually do the dying part, but I faded, and I don't have a body anymore. I wonder what happened to it? What if I can't find it when I need to get back?! Okay, okay...panicking not helping. I have to be calm. Something's happened, and I was sitting with Jordan, then I wasn't on the physical plane anymore. I'm a spirit. I can see people, and gran showed up..only gran's where I'm supposed to be. All I can figure is that we've been switched somehow. I'm betting Heather did it. My boys think so too. At least they were there when gran got there...though they were arguing about something I don't know about. It was sorta talked about in code..so...there's something I'm not being told. I don't know if I want to know or not, what with Gran telling warning them that I could be listening. But I'm dying of curiosity. Whatever it is though, seems bad? I don't know. Maybe I'm paranoid. I'm glad they were there for gran though. Though I could have done without the strange weirdness that went on before Stef left for the night. Were they flirting?! I couldn't tell. It was strange. And mildly traumatizing. I don't know what to do now...I'm still getting used to being a spirit...guess I'll have to work on that. Figure out what I can and can't do and all that. I miss Jordan already. We can't catch a break, can we?
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| The Spell Is Done!!! |
[24 Jun 2005|07:55pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 rushed |
] |
Anya found and helped me with the spell! Now I have to make sure that..as she put it, that they both still have their skins. I have faith in her, but still...that wasn't a good mental image. I'm sure everything went fine...hopefully worst case scenario is that the spell didn't work and we'd have to try something else. I rushed home as fast as I could get there. I think Stefan would be there...no idea where Jordan would be. But I'm sure he'll be calling.
...here's hoping they're not soup.
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| Some Night |
[22 Jun 2005|02:27am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
exhausted |
] |
Well that was a total and utter disaster. With a few bright points. Oh wait, no. One. I met the school librarian, Mr. Giles. He's wonderful. We faught demons together. Oh! And Jenny showed up, and said she was the one who got Jordan's protection off of him and that's how he got spelled. He was there too, and that was nice. He helped me kick Stefan-the-sudden-pedophile out. My holy spells went off well--only trouble being I need to find a different container of them so they don't all blow at once. Then there was a werewolf wandering around, Jordy wolfed I guess. Poor dear. But he didn't eat his friends, and helped in the fight--I wonder how that happened, I'll have to look into it sometime when my life isn't as much of a shambles. Mr. Giles and I got demon cleanup, and found a dead student. We called the police after the demon's bodies were removed, and stayed until they came to collect him. I'm so tired. I have to get home and fall over. Then, when I get up, I have to get that spell done to break the memory spell on the boys. I'll need Astra and Anya's help I think though...just to make sure I don't mess it up.
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| Yet More Prom |
[20 Jun 2005|06:21am] |
| [ |
mood |
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angry |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
A Sort of Fairytale by Tori Amos |
] |
It's prom, I had to stop Stefan from hitting on a student, Heather didn't show up, I was rescued by Jordan who doesn't remember me but wants to--and now there are demons attacking.
I've got to do something. It's really too bad I can't do black magic, it'd be much easier. Though I didn't come completely unprepared. This is Sunnydale. I've got a trick or two up my sleeve.
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| Broken |
[25 May 2005|11:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
End of the World by Cold |
] |
...feels like the world ended. feels like...like my heart got crushed. i don't know what happened. i don't know what to do. both of them. they don't...i guess i really am what i thought i was. not good enough. not important. useless. and a whole bunch of other things.
not worth it.
You're not anything
guess i'm really not.
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| A Little Better |
[22 May 2005|02:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hopeful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
A Sort of Fairytale by Tori Amos |
] |
So in the eye of the storm here, something at least isn't completely stupid. Jordan came by and we had a chance to...reconnect. It was nice. It made me worry a little less that things're about to go south with us or something, helped me realize that maybe I'm not going to be left...maybe he loves me and really will keep me despite his sister. It was the first time. Well, technically, first time period for me. It was still nice. So yes. I feel better now. Maybe things'll work out. Maybe eventually Jenny'll grow up, and it'll be okay. Who knows.
Other than that, things at school have calmed down. I spoke with Heather, and I hope that she doesn't do anything else. I hope she just heeds warning and stops doing the things she does. At least soon she won't be around the students anymore. Thank the Goddess for that. The farther away from them the better. I'm sure Eric would agree.
It'll all be over soon, I just have to keep telling myself that. Soon the school year will be over, and there'll be at least some type of break. I can spend more time with Jordan. Keep Stefan out of trouble...maybe relax for five minutes. I have, as a matter of fact noticed, that yes. Being over the Hellmouth every week day isn't the most relaxing of things. It makes everyone edgy. The students, the teachers, everyone. Guess evil does that. I wonder if there's anything I could do about it...I wonder if you can close a Hellmouth. Maybe that'll be my summer project...seeing if I can do anything about that.
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| A Spell For Cain |
[26 Apr 2005|03:15am] |
| [ |
mood |
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drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Down Poison by 3 doors down |
] |
Well, now that the kids are fixed, and things have calmed some, I have to get to another promise I've made, to help that man, Cain. So, I did a series of spells, all hooked into one another. I've made him quite a few things he'll have to keep on his person for a while, but they'll help. One, a small bag that he just needs to smell when he starts feeling overwhelmed. At least it smells good. It's got Rosemary, Lavender, Camomile, and Quartz in it. That's for calming and focusing. I'm giving him a bracelet that's pretty simple, hemetite beads, with a bit of a spell on them, for grounding. It should help center him, stop him from feeling so off balance mentally. I also did a banishing harm spell for around him, so, for a while at least, he'll be safe from harm from outside forces(and himself because I wouldn't put it past him). And another banishing spell for negative thoughts for him. I think there's a whole lot of badness swimming 'round his head and he doesn't need that poison in there. Also did about six different clensing spells, all for different aspects I see around him that he doesn't need hounding his person, and an ashes spell that'll hopefully rid him of the influence of that guy who had him in a cage, the one that as far as I can tell, did this to him.
...and this is just the first set of things I'm trying. I'm SOOOOOO tired. Magically tapped out for the moment, but it's a good start, I think. Hopefully it'll help him.
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| Ending This |
[21 Apr 2005|04:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 determined |
] |
| [ |
music |
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End of the World by Cold |
] |
Jordan told me about a...something under the stage. He caught Heather there, and she gave him some stupid excuse about mice. Whatever. I don't buy it. And if it's what I think it is? Then that's what we need to destroy. I'm setting up a spell, something as big as this would backlash pretty hard if suddenly broken, so I need to make sure the spell's energy is channeled properly, so it doesn't wind up hurting any of the students. (or anyone happening to be in the vicinity) I don't know if she's moved the damn thing or not, if she suspected Jordan of knowing something more was up, she might have...I may have to try to summon it. I hope not. Hopefully, I can send Jordan to break it. All it should take is to crack the damn thing. It doesn't need to be crushed to powder or anything. One good hit with a hammer would do the trick. I hope she doesn't have any other spells set up down there...not that they'd hurt Jordan...he's got the talisman I gave him. Anything would bounce off...but still. Doesn't make me feel any better about potential danger. I wish I could do both at the same time, but I've got to do the channeling spell. Guess it's time to see if Jordan's really cut out for living in Sunnydale and being with me--even if I do hate putting it like that.
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|
[18 Apr 2005|09:25pm] |
|
After talking to Stefan I was feeling a little better. It still doesn't make Eric not dead, or the play kids fixed, or anything of the sort, but it was nice talking to him, anyways. I still haven't gotten to speak much with Jordan. I'm not exactly avoiding, but not exactly making myself available, either. Not that he couldn't come over and see me or anything. I miss him. I think I miss him more right now than I did when he was gone away with the band. But then, that's probably because I didn't think I'd be losing him any day now when he was gone there. I have to concentrate on getting the kids fixed. I really do. Concentration...yeah. That's it.
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[15 Apr 2005|05:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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guilty |
] |
Things have not gotten better. A student was killed. Eric...Mercutio. I got there after the fact, the commotion outside drawing me, by then people had already removed Jordy. From what I gathered from the crowd, Danny (Tybalt) had killed Eric, then 'something weird happened and some big animal attacked him' ...conclusion--Jordy. Werewolfed out. I noted Janice, Dawn and Amanda all out for the rest of the day along with him. I assume they took him. I tried dealing with the police. Jordy's still been suspended, pending further investigation. I'm understanding now why no one took this teaching position, why they had to ask me to do it even without a teaching certificate. No one in their right mind would want to teach here. I can't leave now though. I know my students, and, when I'm not too late, I can help.
Goddess why was I too late?
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| Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week |
[06 Apr 2005|12:32am] |
| [ |
mood |
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depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Broken by Seether |
] |
Lately has sucked. Like, really sucked. Here I thought things were getting better. It started with having to hunt down a student, who happens to be a werewolf, while there were tons of other students trying to play hero. Talk about a nightmare. Any one of them could have been killed, or turned into a werewolf themselves. It was a big mess and I'm completely, completely surprised that no one was seriously maimed or killed. Jordy, the werewolf kid, he got hurt a bit, but it's nothing that was life threatening. But goddess....stress.
Let's see, what else? OH yes. Stefan decided to take home my co-worker, Heather the other night, and I spent my time trying to pretend I wasn't hearing loud sex coming from downstairs. I had to put my headphones on and turn up the volume really loud and I could still sort of hear them. Now. I'm really feeling weird about it. I can't even say why I'm feeling so weird about it. I mean, it's not like Stefan's not an attractive guy and single, and completely allowed to have as much sex as he wants or anything...just...I dunno. It's like those unfocused bad feelings I get sometimes. Maybe I'm just being stupid. Or...posessive in a really weird way, I don't know. It's not jealousy, I don't have feelings like that for Stefan, it's...*sigh* I keep repeating myself. Weird and indescribeable. But I don't want to talk to him about it. I kinda want to avoid. That's it. Name of the game? AVOID.
Which brings me to the last thing. Jordan's little sister is in town now, staying with him, and she hates me already. I don't know why, but she made that perfectly clear. She was as mean as I think she could be, without resorting to 'you're a fat ugly bitch, my brother deserves better'. She may as well have. I'm so stupid. I was all nervous, and then she was awful to me, and I made it rain again. I didn't mean it, though I gave myself credit for not bursting into hysterical tears until after I left the Bronze. I remember someone gave me advice once. I think it was in a dream. Maybe it was gran...probably was. No, now that I'm thinking about it, it definitely was.
Never let them see you cry.
Well...I didn't, gran. I waited.
And now there's school to go to, where I guess Jenny's going to be enrolled. I can feel my life crashing away here. I mean, a sister is more important than a girlfriend. It's family. And I know how much family means to Jordan. I wouldn't make him choose, though it looks like she might. I don't know what to do....besides sneak out of the house so I can avoid talking to Stefan and hoping a freak meteor falls from the sky to hit me.
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| One down one to go |
[16 Mar 2005|08:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 busy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Goldfish by 7 Mary 3 |
] |
Well! We finally took care of Stefan's posessed cellphone problem!! Go that! Also, occasionally, Stefan needs to be slapped upside the head. I love the guy but sometimes, he needs a reality check. Which I gave him, so I guess all's well...though I have noticed that he doesn't have his cell phone anymore...which makes me wonder why we went through all the trouble of deposessing it if he was just going to get rid of it anyways. Oh well, anyways....
I love being able to see Jordan at work. Maybe I'm just weird, but it's really nice! Kind of adds during the day when we can see each other just for a few moments, then by the time the day ends I practially want to run over to his closet classroom and shower him with affection. I know some of the students have figured out that we're together. I've gotten some pretty evil looks from some of the girls in school. Were the girls that aggressive when I was in Highschool? It wasn't even that long ago! Yeesh. Oh well, I find it more funny than anything, and I'm SO not worried that Jordan's attention's gonna waver. If he really wanted to be doing something else, he could be off playing rock star with groupies to do every night. But he's not. He's here with me instead. Warm fuzzies, anyone?
Other than that, I really have to tackle the next problem. Got one taken care of, hooray for the little demon being gone, and now to the trouble of seemingly spelled students. It hasn't let up at all, and seems to have just gotten worse, so I'll really have to start searching for...something. I can't have my students running around being spelled! Time to hit gran's old books. They ought to tell me something...well that and I should have snuggle time with Jordan. Maybe he'll wanna help.
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